It’s been a strange week, much like any other, for the world we live in is a rather strange place. I spent much of my week learning and writing about the ongoing moral, intellectual, and spiritual failure that is the ecological crisis of global capitalism. I read about Palestinian bodies found in mass graves, zip-tied, and stripped of all their clothes, testifying of war crimes. I read about excessive police violence countering student protests. And amidst all of that, I read about what we seem to have collectively agreed was the news of the week: extravagance.
At the Met Gala, six hundred of the world’s most famous and wealthy were invited to show off their most excessive looks on the red carpet for an outrageous ticket price of 75,000 dollars per person. The theme of this year’s gala was ‘The Garden of Time’, inspired by a short story of J.G. Ballard about an isolated aristocratic couple hiding in their mansion against the threat of change and the attack of some undefined violent mob. How ironic. A couple of streets away from the red carpet, police officers were guarding barricades to keep protesters away from the feast of wealth and privilege.
The irony seems lost to most. Social media quickly flooded with pictures of the fashion extravaganza as the celebrities struck their proudest poses, showing off their riches, status, and adherence to elitist beauty standards. It is not hard to win the game of success when you are the one defining its rules. The winners take it all without an ounce of shame and expect the losers to applaud and cheer them on. And ironically, we do. That is where it all gets rather strange.
In the world of birds, we often crown the male Peacock ‘King of Extravagance’. When he sees a female he wants to impress, he spreads the mantle of his luscious green and metallic blue feathers until it becomes a sphere perfectly framing his matching metallic blue neck and head, which is crowed with a fascinator-like feather hat. All attention is drawn to his eyes which are beautifully lined with bright white eyeliner, framing his matching pointed beak. The eyes in his feathers look directly at the female of his choice, making it impossible for her to turn her gaze away from the display of beauty embracing her entire field of sight. She cannot but adore him. Or can she?
The male Peacock's display is hypnotizing, but engaging with it is a choice. Female Peacocks use the mating ritual as an opportunity to assess the strength of their potential mate's genes. After the display, they choose to either accept or deny, remaining fully in power over their own decision of engagement. Though we may fail to see it, they are the actual stars of the show. Male Peacocks only behave in this way to impress them. If female Peacocks suddenly were to collectively decide not to judge their potential mates in this manner or to change their standards, the display would stop or change.
Narcissism is a communal phenomenon, not just a personality disorder. Narcissism needs to be enabled to be sustained. It needs to be celebrated.
The Met Gala is a prime example of such a celebration. We may ask ourselves why we have collectively accepted that this event is ‘interesting’ and that these people are ‘successful’ and ‘beautiful’. It is our direct and indirect financial and ideological support that sustains or dismantles the culture of narcissism.
Many of us claim to follow the Met Gala because we are interested in fashion. But if we are interested in fashion, why don’t we simply organize a dress-up party with our own friends or within our communities, displaying the talent and creativity of local designers and artists, the diverse beauty of our bodies, and the craftsmanship of seamsters and tailors? Why don’t we go out to see the outfits of people in our own cities or learn about the history of diverse cultural types of dress? Why don’t we go work in our local clothing stores or even work towards starting our own boutique? Our interest is not in fashion, it is in the elite and their whims.
Narcissist presidents are enabled by their voters, narcissist religious leaders are enabled by their supporters, and narcissist celebrities are enabled by their fans. The narcissists themselves are responsible for their corruptive influence and selfishness, of course, but those who enable them are complicit in their actions, especially once they have seen through their disguise and have found just another insecure, flawed human being. A being that needs to be treated with compassion, not reverence.
Insecurity often presents herself as flashy and arrogant. She may pose in front of cameras in sparkly dresses and point out her many accomplishments. But more often, she fishes for compliments with the bait of self-deprecation. She feeds on praise with a stomach that feels emptier after every meal. Confidence is her opposite. She is modest and genuinely interested in others. Some would say she is boring, but she knows better. She just doesn’t feel the need to prove her worth.
Worship is engrained in human nature, so we may worship what is truly good, and reflect the light of that goodness like the moon reflects the sun. But instead, we so often end up worshipping the night sky, because we see in it the potential for light. We are tricked by the stars that are fed to us like breadcrumbs, and we take the overwhelming darkness for granted as we starve in adoration.
I long struggled with the idea of fearing God. I much prefer to understand our connection with the Divine as a loving relationship, which I believe to be a more fruitful, beautiful, and true approach. But it is in weeks like these that I actually come to understand why we may, at times, need a bit of fear of God.
It is not always love that causes people to enable narcissism. More often, it is fear. Fear that they themselves are not worthy. Fear for the wrath of the narcissist if they were to treat them with honesty and authenticity. Or fear that they may lose their status, wealth, or purpose when they lose their association with the narcissistic definers of success, be they people, toxic self-centered communities, or even entire institutions. I think it is perhaps only in a situation where we find ourselves motivated by fear, that it may be helpful to remind ourselves that if there is anyone we should fear, it clearly is God. Only God’s judgment matters and God’s judgment is fair. God’s standards are clear, good, and equally applied to all. God does not judge our outfits, but God does judge how we spend 75,000 dollars amidst ongoing genocides and ecocides. God does not persecute us for standing up against injustice, but God will hold it against us if we silently enable it. God does not judge how many followers we have, but God does judge what our tongues utter to them. God judges what we do, whether we are watched by a million eyes or none at all.
In Surah Fatir, the thirty-fifth chapter of the Qur’an, we are reminded, “Whoever seeks dignity—all dignity belongs to God. To Him ascend good words, uplifted by righteous deeds. As for those who plot evil, they will suffer a severe punishment. And their plotting will perish.” Perish, like the garden of time. Like the mansion of the isolated elitist couple in Ballard’s story. Like the extravagance of fame and wealth and the dust in the wind that is self-centered success.
I pray that we may soon be ready to truly open our hearts to the ever-present love of the Divine, which is closer to us than we ourselves could ever be. It is the kind of love that holds all in its secure attachment and makes every insecure sinner confidently repentant and grateful. But as long as we are not ready for that love, I pray that if there is any fear that rules our lives, it is overruled by the fear of God’s judgment. The day that we will judge the world by the standards of God’s judgment is the day that narcissism will be defeated. That day, dignity will rule, and she will not be wearing a dress of sand.
Narcissism demands celebration. Amazing work once again.
It is hard to find comfort in good writing in these dark times, but I always find it here, especially with this beautiful piece. Thank you so much for making it clear that it is just as much about the enabler as the narcissist. What a perfect piece for this moment in time!